My First Avocado (Macaroni Salad)


Sup doods. Welcome to the fifteenth installment of Food in Mind, where you will (so far as the current installments go) learn how to make ghetto variations of non-ghetto dishes! This installment is dedicated the avocado: or more specifically, the first avocado I’ve ever purchased.

Now you may ask, “but Newbistic, why would any ghetto cook ever buy avocados? They’re upper middle class fruits if I’ve ever seen one, much like pomegranates, grapples, and berries”.

The thing is, when you grow up in a conservative Chinese family, avocados are basically the devil fruit. They’re universally panned as shitty fruits that just taste bad. I’ve eaten avocados here and there as parts of California rolls and guacamole, but never actually sat down with the fruit by itself to contemplate its flavor. As an aspiring cook, I wish to cast aside my Asian misconceptions and learn about the taste and applications of the avocado. So I bought one.

This is not the avocado I bought, but it looks helluva lot better than any picture my camera can take

It turns out that avocados basically taste like plant flavored butter. This is slightly confusing, since avocados aren’t used like butter in that they aren’t spread on toast, or melted in a pan to fry things. What the hell kind of dish actually requires the use of something soft, buttery, and plant-flavored?

I present to you the dish for this installment of Food in Mind: Macaroni Salad

Ingredients

Didn't do a spread but needed a picture here, so... The camera man was all like "okay, now look at the salad like it's giving you an orgasm. Yeahhhh just like that."

4 tbsp Mayonnaise
2 tbsp Dijon Mustard
Salt
Pepper
2 tbsp Sugar
1 tbsp Parsley (fresh preferred, dried is fine)
8 oz Elbow Macaroni (dried)
Diced 1/4 large onion (or 1/2 small)
Diced carrot
Diced 1/2 green bell pepper
Diced 2 celery stalks*
Diced tomato
1 large Avocado

*You really don’t need specifically all of these vegetables. Feel free to omit or substitute at will. Chunks of ham, bacon, or cubed boiled eggs can also be added. I do recommend at least retaining the celery, since its aroma is one of the key factors in a good macaroni salad.

Build Order

Bring a large pot of salted water to boil for the macaroni. Cook macaroni until al dente and set aside.

Meanwhile, begin with the avocado. I’ve never worked with avocados in my life, but I’ve watched enough food network to know how to dismantle one like a master. You will only need your avocado, a knife, and a cutting board. Begin by cutting in a circle around the avocado’s pit, lengthwise:

Is the avocado a tropical fruit? I don't want to sound gay, but George Carlin once said "show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala"

Twist both halves to dislodge the pit from one half. Then, hold the half with the pit in one hand and give the pit a good thwack with your knife. This should lodge the blade into the pit. Twist the pit to dislodge it from the second half.

Avocado

Sorry, that last caption was completely insensitive towards gay people. Here's another one: what is a gay horse's favorite food? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaay. That's not insensitive, right?

At this point, you can scoop out the avocado with a spoon if you were making something such as guacamole. Or, if the avocado is ripe enough, you can probably push the entire segment out by applying pressure to the bottom of the segment and peeling the skin aside.

But since we are interested in a diced result, here’s what you do: Score the avocado half horizontally and vertically with your knife, taking care not to pierce the skin of the fruit, like this:

Cubed avocado is a metaphor for the current American middle class, working in tiny clustered cubicles, soft, pliable, and full of fat. Not really though, just made that up.

Before you liberate the avocado cubes from the skin, take out a plastic container (or a large mixing bowl or a pot) and pour out your mayonnaise and mustard, and sugar. Mix thoroughly. Now either using your hands or a spoon, deposit the avocado cubes directly into the dressing and coat the pieces. This step is necessary to prevent the avocado pieces from oxidizing.

Now begin dicing your other vegetables. Start with the onion first. Dice your onion and soak the pieces in a bowl of ice water. This dilutes the acid in the onion, which removes the sharp biting flavor of raw onion and gives it a sweeter, more refreshing taste.

Chop the onions, cry into the bowl, then soak onions in your tears. Removes acid and adds flavor.

Dice your celery, carrots, tomato, and green pepper. You can use almost any crispy vegetable, including other colored peppers, asparagus, cucumber, and so on.

If you mix all this together, cram it into your mouth, then spit it out really fast, it will look like you're puking a rainbow

Now the salad is ready for assembly! Separate your onions from the water. Mix everything you have cooked and diced up to this point in a large pot or mixing bowl. Add parsley, salt, and pepper to taste. Chill for at least two hours in the refrigerator before serving.

You've gained five pounds just looking at this picture.

The Result

Macaroni Salad

This is what you get for following the recipe. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? HUH?

4.4 / 5 Pretty good, very genuine. Two things to note: one is that the creaminess of avocado means you can use less mayonnaise. This is reflected in the recipe I listed but not in my own attempt. Second is to USE GOOD MAYONNAISE. Store brand products are often hit-and-miss. Fred Meyers mayonnaise have a distinct taste of cooked egg yolks which really distracts from an otherwise very tasty dish.

Conclusion

I’m trying (not very hard) to do less Asian themed recipes, since they’re what I grew up with and I’m trying to branch out. The next installment will probably be a Chinese dish though.

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